Is it hard for you to say no? Well, you’re not alone! It’s still tough for me but then I think about the times I should have said no and didn’t, I realize I only hurt myself. I put time and effort into others at the cost of losing a part of myself, becoming frustrated, and feeling out-of-whack.

When you live in a fast-paced world where it’s easy to get trapped on that treadmill, deciding what really matters is essential. There will always be more to do than time to do it, so one of the most important things we can do is to retrain ourselves to say no, for our own sake and that of others.

How? By reminding ourselves that saying no to one thing means saying yes to something else. Saying no to working long hours means saying yes to more family or leisure time; saying no to weeknight outings means saying yes to more rest.

Why don’t we say no?

One of our greatest fears is appearing rude or letting people down. We’re afraid of hurting people’s feelings and being judged. It’s in our nature to avoid conflict and make people happy.

Growing up, we’re taught to be obedient and not to say no. We learn this through our upbringing. Our parents instill “good” manners and values into us until saying yes becomes second nature. I still remember how my girls, when they were around two, would constantly say no to me about everything! They would assert their true wishes, full of confidence and self-esteem, until one day, they learned to follow the rules dictated by society.

Our inability to say no can also be linked to a lack or overabundance of a particular strength or weakness: perfectionism, generosity, combativeness, low self-esteem…While saying no may not be prohibited, unhealthy or ill-advised, learning to say no poses a psychological challenge. Saying no can mean squelching our desire to help, give to, or understand others, and saying yes can mean having to adapt and putting our own wishes aside.

What are you saying no to?

There are people who don’t know how to say no because they don’t even know what they want. And then there are those who know what they want but can’t say it out loud.

If you’re going to say yes, make sure you’re honouring your basic values (freedom, respect, family). Write them down if it helps. Then evaluate your danger zones: maybe you don’t make enough time for yourself or are in a dysfunctional relationship with someone…

Just say no 

There’s no miracle treatment that will turn you into someone who can say no. You just have to take baby steps and start with things that aren’t that big of a deal, things that won’t backfire on you or cause you too much stress. Work on it every day with the people closest to you.

• Before you say no, think about the positive and negative ramifications of your refusal.
• Say no. This will give the person a chance to take note of your refusal. You refused, you let it be known and, above all, you said it in a way that was clear and straightforward.
• Stick to your guns. Don’t overcomplicate things by looking for reasons to justify your no. The more hesitant you are, the more doubt will take hold and the more power you will give away. Owning your right to say no is the best way to command respect.

What can you gain by learning to say no?

Personally speaking, giving yourself permission to say no allows you to honour your own values and dreams, without going overboard and saying no to everything for no valid reason.  Professionally speaking, it allows you to command respect – to say no to assignments that aren’t in line with your values so you can say yes to those that are.

• Save time, reorganize your time, prioritize. If you refuse to go to a breakfast meeting that doesn’t interest you or decide to spend less time on social media, you will have more free time and will use your time more constructively.
• Be true to yourself. Learning to assert your preferences, to honour your values and to say no to things that don’t sit well with you creates a sense of inner peace. Instead of feeling frustrated or unassertive, you will gain confidence, self-esteem and respect.
• Make your yeses count. Learning to say no also means honouring your yeses. When your yeses actually mean something, the people around you will appreciate your presence or services far more. They will also know they can count on you to stick to your commitments because you’ve shown them that you’re a person who sets boundaries and has the courage of their convictions.

So honour your commitments and be good to yourself.  Practice saying no to requests that don’t meet your needs and saying yes to what feels right. Take things one step at a time and before you know it, saying no will be second nature. I should know because I practice saying no all the time and have seen the results firsthand: a more balanced and meaningful life!

What will you say no to today?

Christine Lecavalier – CPCC, ACC

Co-active Coach